Day 4: Work

I returned to work today after our two week winter break (one of the many perks of working in education!). I focused on getting myself organized because I'm taking over some new responsibilities from an employee who left, and because I have not thought about work at all for the last two weeks. What the hell was I doing? Oh, right.

I haven't always had the healthiest relationship with work. I struggled for a long time with the "What do you you want to be when you grow up?" question. I've always been drawn to creative pursuits (writing, music, theatre, architecture). Unfortunately, I also believed the myths that "I needed a real job" and "only the lucky few make it in the arts". I excelled in math and science in school, so a scientific career made sense on paper. My heart was never in it, though. I believed I was supposed to pursue a career, and a career required passion. Otherwise, it was just a job.

I don't remember when the impostor syndrome first hit me. It might have been early on, the first time I thought I was pretty good but not that good at writing or singing or whatever. Maybe it started while working my ass off for a B- in some of my college courses, and I thought I'd never make it because the concepts weren't intuitive for me. When it hit, it flattened me. I only sang to myself, or in the safety of a choir, or under the influence of alcohol. I kept my words to myself. I made excuses not to participate in hobbies I loved. I even earned my masters in education and briefly taught middle and high school because I honestly believed I would not get into a graduate program in applied mathematics, and teaching was my only option. Teaching wasn't a great fit for me, and I burned out after a year and a half feeling anxious and lost.

I applied to work for the community college in 2012 purely out of need for a job. I didn't really know what to expect in the position. What I found there changed my perspective on work and career, and for that I am forever thankful.

What I found was a staff excited to serve the students. Employees are trusted, not micromanaged.  New ideas are encouraged and explored. Achievements, big and small, are celebrated. Opportunities are created to allow employees to showcase their talents. Professional development is prioritized. Competing priorities are handled respectfully and logically with minimal politics. When I am off work, I get to fully disconnect unless there is a true emergency (which is quite rare). 

I left the college in 2018 to pursue a leadership opportunity at my alma mater, but I ended up returning to the community college a year later. I left the leadership role for a few reasons, but I came back to the college for just one: because they treated me like family. Just like I love my running team, I love my work team, too. We have each other on hard days and through challenging situations. We are all different, and we each bring our own style and strengths. Working in graduation, we are especially rewarded by the privilege of helping students realize and celebrate the accomplishment of their goals.

Do I want to be a business analyst when I grow up? I have no idea. I still dream of being a writer and a singer. I HGTV the shit out of my house. But I could see spending a large portion of my working years with my current department because my responsibilities are challenging and satisfying, because my colleagues are great to work with, and because my leadership believes is me.

Whether or not it's accurate, I still define a career as a profession that you've allowed to define you in some way. It's ok to have a job and keep that separation. I have a really great one, and I feel so much less stress than I did in pursuit of a career.